Resurrection

I know it's been long since the last time I wrote, but I've been in a really deep shit. This is just a stupid blog and not a journal. I don't need to explain why I stopped writing all this time but I've been checking the visitors log and found out that there are people who visit the site regulary, looking for updates, I guess. So I feel that I need to write something... and this "something" is the explanation of why I've been lost.
I almost gave up my life here, leaving everything behind. I still want to, but I'm trying to hold myself, try a bit harder, as if it weren't hard enough already.
I've been locked in my room for a whole month, not talking to anyone, sleeping for days and not eating properly. I just couldn't eat.
I have had tachicardia, fast breathing, lack of air, oppressed chest. So I finally went to the hospital and saw a neurologist. Whilst I was in the waiting room I saw very ill people, sad & lost faces; the type of people you see in a mental institute. It was a "mental" wing after all. I felt sad for them, but then I realized I was one of them and still couldn't think of not belonging there. I was at the right place, that's the saddest part.
But not everything is bad. In these moments I found so many people who cared about me and helped me a lot. I feel really grateful and, at the same time, hopeless and miserable. Why can't I just change? All these nice people don't deserve my pathetic behaviour... But I can't help it, I am deeply sorry! I'm just helpless. A sad loser.
I was under medication and saw no results. Well, who knows, maybe it actually worked, that's why I'm writing this.
Sorry for not writing nice stuff, but I thought it's just fair to write about not-nice-stuff. Life is a rollercoaster and I am Bipolar.