Thesis about love

"What is love to you?" -A friend asked me a some years ago. I wrote a whole page of ideas to explain it, but now I read them and they seem empty, pointless.

Is it because I don't know what love is? Maybe; but once I've heard that love is everything that is written about it. It ca be butterflies in your stomach, a warm feeling in your chest, a fast heartbeat, a sensation of peace, or everything together.

So, why am I writing again about it? Well, I need to join the rest of the human kind and try to write down my thoughts about it.

I have been wishing for love for so long, but do I know what am I wishing for? I want to feel alive, have a reason to laugh for no reason, I want to fly without wings. Maybe I'm just a helpless romantic loser but I really miss that feeling.

I've been searching for love in Hollywood shape. In the form of that Mr. Perfect that has all the characteristics of a superheroe and the lloks of that cute actor you're fan of.

But I was so wrong all this time... I had it in front of my nose and I couldn't appreciate it. What is bigger than the love of my parents, being there for me even when I don't deserve it? Giving me their support when all I'm expecting -not wanting- is a big scolding? Or two married people dealing with each other's weaknesses for decades? Love is blind, they say. But it is also deaf to harsh words and mute when the situation requires it.

Some people say it's just getting used to... But can you really get used to someone towards you don't have the slightest affection?

Most of the times love doesn't require much. That's why it is so complicated. We like complex things.

Like in my case. I have found my Mr. Perfect. That someone that I always wished for. But he's not for me... I'm not for him. So, what can I do? Nothing. Just walk away wishing the best for him and for me. Maybe someday I can clone him just for me, and yet it doesn't assure me an everlasting happiness.

Yeah, yeah... I know you are thinking "how stupid", "fight for him". Maybe if I try harder, maybe if I push a bit more, maybe if... There's no "maybes". Things went this way and I always try hard to get what I want, but not when it has to deal with people's feelings. In these cases I never push.

I like him a lot and sometimes he makes me think that I'm not alone in this feeling. Maybe I'm not but for some reason he can't follow his heart, or maybe I am totally wrong and he's just being friendly. I wish he was indifferent to me. Anyways, I know that I can't be waiting for him forever. He made a decision and I won't force anything.

It might seem a waste. Isn't it? You don't meet your soulmate everyday, I'm just glad of having found him. It gives me some faith in life. I guess we weren't meant to be together in this life, so I hope the next time is the right one :P

I am being positive, but still it's sad. It's like trying to reach a star. You can see it, its light illuminates your nights yet you cannot reach it even if you try with all your strenght. And it's just there for your eyes. FYEO.

Well, I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to find someone to replace the one that I couldn't have. I would hurt too many people. But I also don't want to spend my life alone, being afraid and letting go some opportunities to meet Mr. Really Perfect :)

So this is how I come up to the conclusion that love is not only butterflies and heartbeats, but it's also sweet pain, forgiveness and moving on even when you know that you're leaving behind what possibly is "the love of your life".


I wrote this some time ago, and I was kind of afraid/shy/centered to publish it, but I thought someone might find it useful and I'm in an "I don't care" mood. So, here it is! Hope you enjoyed reading,

- Lorena

Resurrection

I know it's been long since the last time I wrote, but I've been in a really deep shit. This is just a stupid blog and not a journal. I don't need to explain why I stopped writing all this time but I've been checking the visitors log and found out that there are people who visit the site regulary, looking for updates, I guess. So I feel that I need to write something... and this "something" is the explanation of why I've been lost.
I almost gave up my life here, leaving everything behind. I still want to, but I'm trying to hold myself, try a bit harder, as if it weren't hard enough already.
I've been locked in my room for a whole month, not talking to anyone, sleeping for days and not eating properly. I just couldn't eat.
I have had tachicardia, fast breathing, lack of air, oppressed chest. So I finally went to the hospital and saw a neurologist. Whilst I was in the waiting room I saw very ill people, sad & lost faces; the type of people you see in a mental institute. It was a "mental" wing after all. I felt sad for them, but then I realized I was one of them and still couldn't think of not belonging there. I was at the right place, that's the saddest part.
But not everything is bad. In these moments I found so many people who cared about me and helped me a lot. I feel really grateful and, at the same time, hopeless and miserable. Why can't I just change? All these nice people don't deserve my pathetic behaviour... But I can't help it, I am deeply sorry! I'm just helpless. A sad loser.
I was under medication and saw no results. Well, who knows, maybe it actually worked, that's why I'm writing this.
Sorry for not writing nice stuff, but I thought it's just fair to write about not-nice-stuff. Life is a rollercoaster and I am Bipolar.